I touched on this a bit in, “My Story,” but I’m going to elaborate a little here.
When you’ve been emotionally wounded, it’s going to fuck with you. Some days are good, some are bad. On Tuesday, you may feel healed and whole, and experience waves of forgiveness washing over you. You may feel compassion for the person or people who hurt you, and you may understand that they are ill, are not capable of being better than they are, and have also suffered at the hands of abuse. And then on Wednesday, or maybe next Wednesday, or maybe on a Wednesday 7 months from now, a different wave entirely crashes into you, drags you into an ocean of despair, scrapes your face along the rocks at the bottom, and leaves you stranded without a life vest or signs of shore in sight. That’s OK, too. The back-and-forth dynamic is part of the healing process.
Oftentimes, those who suffer from these bouts of sorrow make their situation worse by being disappointed in themselves.
“I thought I was past this.”
“I won’t survive this thing again.”
“These are first-world problems.”
Beating yourself up for natural feelings and emotions won’t do you any good. Because we all wear masks of, “I’m fine…no really, I’m fine!” we are terrified of being honest that we’re drowning. I’m not saying you have to wear your feelings to the whole, wide world. I mean, your co-workers don’t need to know every detail and aspect of your miserable life, thank-you-very-much. But your best friends or partner or parents are all people who will be there for you (and if not, you may want to re-evaluate who you invest your time in).
Anyway, just accept that you’re going to have shitty days, and be OK with it. And keep living through the shit-storm, if you can manage. Honestly, I’ve had (and will likely have, again) days when bathing seemed like too much effort. Some days, I managed to suck it up and make myself presentable, while others I went out looking like a greaseball. *Shrugs* Deal with it, world. I can’t always be cute.
Rest assured that these phases won’t last forever. Understanding, accepting, and even anticipating that kind of fluctuation in your feelings will make things a lot easier on you. Maybe then, you might even enjoy your swim back to shore.